I am not the most consistent person. Especially when it comes to posting stuff. It is majorly because my thoughts and conflicts are either inconsistent or repetitive. And, I have been told in the past that there is a sense of repetition in my ideas or thoughts sometimes, they are of course, right in observing these intricacies but then again, the beauty of repetition too, lies in the art of expression. But I think I may just be full of it.
Moving on, much like most things on this thought catalog, this too will be a thought that may or may not paint a picture. So, this one is about one of the strangest things, in my opinion, of course, that little voice inside your head. That constant inner monologue. (Which I recently learned not everyone has and seriously OH MY GOD)
The thing that I have come to learn about this narrator is that it is more often than not a narcissist. It sees things and then it starts talking. It starts to convince you that whatever you see is somehow connected to you because you’re seeing it. It tries to pull a ‘Pseudo Checkhov’s Gun’ on you. And if your rationale pops up, it is skilled in subduing that tiny voice of reason. The puny little dwarf of a voice has absolutely no chance against this big brute of a narrator.
If left unchecked and unopposed this narrator starts taking center stage, almost as if your sentience itself is developing sentience. (Sci-fi plot? No? okay!) This narrator now backs its claims with bizarre but seemingly apt connections. Let me exemplify, I have yapped a lot for a bit.
You open your social media and as you scroll aimlessly you come across a picture or quote on someone’s page. You look at it and move on. This is when this narrator jumps to action. “Remember, how you used to be? The lot of you, I bet this has something to do with that! Maybe they don’t want you around anymore? Maybe they’re sorry for what they did? Oh, they have for sure made a backhanded comment on you.” Now that you have this thought inside of you, all you want, all you desire is to get to the bottom of it.
However, this is where it deceives you. That thing you saw, it might or might not have been about or directed at you. But there is no “bottom of it” and if there were, frankly, it isn’t in your hands. None of your business. It is what it is and it won’t change. Yes, maybe you can question it, and get clarity and yes, there are times when this same voice saves you but then, hasn’t it deceived you enough?
This is where it gets strange. No, scratch that it already was strange this is where it gets interesting. This voice this narrator is a duplicitous double-crosser. It acts as your anxiety but it also takes the role of your intuition. It looks after you while constantly pushing you down. It is a paradox; an inescapable escape room.
So the question remains, how do we decide what role it takes on and when? What differentiates the two? Well, my apologies for I do not know the answer to this question. If you do, do let me know. For I am honestly troubled. This voice is my governor and my slave so I do not know who it is…or who I am. But then again, I did tell you, that maybe I am just full of it.
But aren’t we all?
T for Thoughts 